#1. Do not use your cell phone when you are blocking something. Don't argue with your wife on the phone when you are between me and the coffee at QT. Don't talk to your boss while I am behind you at the Red light.
#2. Stop texting people when you are in the middle of a conversation. If I am trying to fill out an insurance form, wait until I'm finished talking before you text your bff about what happened last night.
#3. After 10 pm there should be three or four hard steps to sending an email. This is a personal problem. See there was a time when we would drunk dial. Then we got older and outgrew it. Not long ago I joined Myfaceter. It makes it too easy to send out drunk emails to old friends. Like the old drunk calls the subject has to do with why I was drinking and how much.
The most common ones are 'I Love You Forever and you make life good'. There are 2 people who get these regularly and one is a dude. Then sometimes people get the 'I Love You and Think you are Wasting Your Life'. These are always followed by periods of coolness in the relationship.
But for the most part they are understanding. Much more understanding than back in the day when you had to wake up to hear it.
So either I have to stop drinking or we need to make emails harder to send after 10 pm. Let me tell you if going cold turkey off the Devil Wine is anything like quiting the smokes, it's best to make the emails harder.
You don't want to see that again.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Squirels
Squirrels are not really cute when they are eating the house.
We used to shoot them when I was a kid. The old Lady across the street would cook them. My Dad sold the little skins to somebody and I'd buy shotgun shells and books.
My Mom hated the dead squirrel trade. She thought the squirrels were cute and I was going to be a serial killer when I grew up.
The Squirrel trade fell apart when the old Lady was shipped off to a home by her kids. My Mom was very happy. She wasn't afraid of my becoming a serial killer and started feeding birds and squirrels and deer in the back yard. I cleaned my old 410 and forgot about it. I went hunting once in High School and that was it. I'm more of a fishing guy.
My Mom never complained about killing and gutting fish, just the cute little squirrels.
Jump ahead to Yesterday. I went home to help Mom clean some limbs out of the yard and she's sitting in the backyard with my shotgun, shooting at squirrels. They were now evil rat bastard turncoats that were chewing the new siding off the house.
Now I don't know if she will grow up to be a serial killer.
We used to shoot them when I was a kid. The old Lady across the street would cook them. My Dad sold the little skins to somebody and I'd buy shotgun shells and books.
My Mom hated the dead squirrel trade. She thought the squirrels were cute and I was going to be a serial killer when I grew up.
The Squirrel trade fell apart when the old Lady was shipped off to a home by her kids. My Mom was very happy. She wasn't afraid of my becoming a serial killer and started feeding birds and squirrels and deer in the back yard. I cleaned my old 410 and forgot about it. I went hunting once in High School and that was it. I'm more of a fishing guy.
My Mom never complained about killing and gutting fish, just the cute little squirrels.
Jump ahead to Yesterday. I went home to help Mom clean some limbs out of the yard and she's sitting in the backyard with my shotgun, shooting at squirrels. They were now evil rat bastard turncoats that were chewing the new siding off the house.
Now I don't know if she will grow up to be a serial killer.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Old GF's.
I went to Publix today for a birthday cake. They have the best grocery store Birthday Cake. I decided to get a sub while I was there.
I'm standing in line waiting for my sub and holding a 1/4 sheet cake with Happy Birthday Elvira written on it and up walks an XGF.
I am not adept at ending relationships. Almost every relationship I have ever had ends with tires screeching, curses hurled into darkness, bottles broken or court.
But this exgirlfriend was different. I thought.
I tried to be very small and hidden behind the overpriced potato chip bag display. (You know pull your shoulders in and lower your head, eyes on the floor.) But she spotted me and greeted me with "Jesus you got fat!" I replied with something like "Shit you got observant."
It turns out that the quiet ones who leave without much fuss hold grudges longer.
I never bought her a birthday cake. I never bought her a Philly Cheese Steak. I never really did much for her, or with her, or much of anything. Except waste her time and then leave her heart broken.
So I apologize for a long time. I've never had a Philly Cheese Steak take that long to cook. A 1/4 sheet cake has never been that heavy.
I aplogized from the Deli to the check out. I apologized all the way to my truck. I rolled down the window apologizing hoping to keep her eyes off my license plate.
I'm not the best man to ever live, but I'm not a bad man. I never intentionaly scar my girlfriends for life.
I'm sure it was good for her to get that closure. I am sure she was relieved to finally get it all off her chest.
But I am never going back to that Publix again.
I'm standing in line waiting for my sub and holding a 1/4 sheet cake with Happy Birthday Elvira written on it and up walks an XGF.
I am not adept at ending relationships. Almost every relationship I have ever had ends with tires screeching, curses hurled into darkness, bottles broken or court.
But this exgirlfriend was different. I thought.
I tried to be very small and hidden behind the overpriced potato chip bag display. (You know pull your shoulders in and lower your head, eyes on the floor.) But she spotted me and greeted me with "Jesus you got fat!" I replied with something like "Shit you got observant."
It turns out that the quiet ones who leave without much fuss hold grudges longer.
I never bought her a birthday cake. I never bought her a Philly Cheese Steak. I never really did much for her, or with her, or much of anything. Except waste her time and then leave her heart broken.
So I apologize for a long time. I've never had a Philly Cheese Steak take that long to cook. A 1/4 sheet cake has never been that heavy.
I aplogized from the Deli to the check out. I apologized all the way to my truck. I rolled down the window apologizing hoping to keep her eyes off my license plate.
I'm not the best man to ever live, but I'm not a bad man. I never intentionaly scar my girlfriends for life.
I'm sure it was good for her to get that closure. I am sure she was relieved to finally get it all off her chest.
But I am never going back to that Publix again.
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